Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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