mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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