apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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