i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
