Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
