Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
