before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
