well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
