i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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