omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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