What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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