I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
