The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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