so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
