Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
