im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
