Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
