I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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