I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
