Your dad touched me again.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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