I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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