I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
