I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it glows. i had to have it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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