Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
