He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
