Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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