Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
