gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
