6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
