Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
