Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
