girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize