Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
