Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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