I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's shark week go big or go home
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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