someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
