I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
