plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Still dying that you shit outside
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
