I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
