1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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