a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
