She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize