I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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