Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
