i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
