When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
