pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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