she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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