I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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