My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
