He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
