i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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