boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
