I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up under a house in Key West
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